Yachiru's Hairy Adventures
by CocoLime
Summary: Eleventh Company's bouncy fukutaichou finds herself involved in various hair-related events, one debacle inevitably leading to another. Discontinued, but still here for fun at your leisure.
1. Kenseikan

A/N- Italics are the character's thoughts, mostly.

Disclaimer- Booey, Bleach doesn't belong to Pickle-san, but Kubo Tite. So do all mentioned characters, Soul Society, and his ugly-lookin' sunglasses. What I _do _have is a bottle of Chlorox, though.

**Ch. 1 - Kenseikan**

"Byakushi, how come you're always wearing your hair thingies? The ke- ken- ken- thingamaboogers!

Byakuya flinched at the nickname, but continued doing his paperwork, trying to ignore the 11th division's little fukutaichou seated on his desk. Duh, he was the quiet, stoic captain of 6-bantai. What else could he do? "Kenseikan."

"Yeah, those things! Ken- uhh…. Yeah! How come you always wear it!?! I bet you look prettier without it!! Ooh, Bya-kun should take them off! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!?" Without waiting for an answer, Yachiru leaped to his head and began tearing at the famous Kuchiki's trademark hairpeice.

He tolerated this for a moment, then plucked her off. A bit too late - it wasn't before the little pink menace had gotten a hold on his kenseikan. _Shit_. Not a proper thought for a noble, but nobody heard what went on in his head. Oh, if only they knew... "Kusajishi-fukutaichou, I request that you please return my kenseikan. And if you're not here for anything important, please leave. I am working at this moment and am not to be amused." Ignoring this, Yachiru began pinning pink glittery ribbons (Byakuya had _no _idea where _those _came from) all over his head, all the while sucking on Byakuya's kenseikan.

"It don't taste like candy… Yay! Bya-kun looks pretty now!! Really pretty! I gotta show Ken-chan! And Baldy! And Froo-Froo! And Inky-face-chan!" As if on cue, said redhead marched into the 6th division office with a fresh stack of paperwork and plopped it on Byakuya's desk.

"Kuchiki-taichou, I have the papers from- taichou? Uh… fuku...fuku…." Renji looked like he was trying to cosplay Nemo - he gaped at the scene with such a look on his face. And he had reason to. There was Kuchiki-taichou seated at his desk, pen in hand, sans kenseikan, with pink, sequined _hair ribbons _on various places all over his cranium. Flowery ribbons, too. Not to mention Yachiru seated on his _head._ He looked damn stupid in Renji's opinion.

"Hiya Inky-chan! Doesn't Byakushi look pretty? Ooh, and call me Yachiru-chan! Not Kusajishi- fuka...fuka...erm…" She paused to think. "Whatever! But, Bya-kun is pretty, right? Right? Huh? Say something, Inky-chan!!"

"T-t-t-taichou!! Why do you have…. Your hair…." Renji gesticulated wildly in the air, like he was trying to doggy-paddle into the sky. Or, rather, through the roof. _Fuck, Kusajishi got 'im _good_ this time! _He would've laughed if Byakuya wasn't emanating a laugh-and-die aura. _Boy, I wish I had one of those human contraptions….camera, was it? Too bad. I gotta ask Rukia for one of those… which region is she in again?  
_

"Abarai, is there a problem?" Byakuya kept a calm expression, but his reiatsu was rising steadily higher and higher.

"N-n-n-n-NO!!!!! T-there's n-nothing wrong at all!"_ Except your hair._

Yachiru giggled. "Inky-chan's talking funny! L-l-l-like-ke-ke-ke t-t-t-this-s-s-s!! Ooh! Catch, Inky-chan!"

"Hey! Don't call me Inky-Waah!!" Renji made a dive for the kenseikan as it went soaring through the air. Or maybe Renji was the one who soared through the air. In any case, he landed flat on his face. _At least I saved Kuchiki-taichou's _precious _kenseikan._ He looked up. _Oh, shit. The papers. _The papers he'd come to deliver were spread all over the floor; he'd knocked them over in his clumsy, flying reenact of Luke and Father (When he was all like, "_Noooooo!!!!"_).

"Inky-chan, do _you _know why Bya-kun wears those hair thingies? Ooh, can I see what you look like with Bya-kun's hair curlers? Wait, actually, I think you'd look really ugly…Bleaaah…" Her mental image wasn't pretty. Unlike 'Byakushi.'

"So ya don't know? Oooo-kay! Bya-kun! Bya-kun! Bya-ku----------n!" No response. After several minutes of pestering him, she leapt out the window to find someone else who might know. Her first victim, I mean- whatever, victims, were Shiro-chan and co.

* * *

"Big-boobies-chan, how come Byakushi always wears his hair roller doohickeymabobbers?" Matsumoto muttered something, then dropped back to 'her' couch. Bad move. "Get up, Boobies-chan!! Up! Up!"

"Yeeow!!" Yachiru held a handful Matsumoto's long, golden tresses - poor Matsumoto was almost dangling off the couch by her hair. "Hey, I had too mush't thake yesterday and now I'th gof a fangofer, so I ain't feelin' tho…eh? Shun'thui? Piss off." And once again she fell back to the couch. Several sheets of undone, once-hidden paperwork flew out from under it, in full view of Hitsugaya.

"Matsumoto!!"

A groan.

"Shiro-chan, how come Bya-kun wears his-"

"Later, Kusajishi! And it's Hitsugaya-taichou! Matsumoto! You skipped paperwork a-"

"Oi! Frostbutt!!"

"It's Hitsugaya-taichou! Now go! Get that paperwork finished Matsu-"

"Shiro-chan is mean! How come-"

"Hitsugaya-"

"Mmm…Gin…Rubber...Abalone.." Matsumoto.

"Waah! You're mean! And you didn't even hear my whole question yet!" Hitsugaya groaned. These two were giving him a major headache. It was bad enough that Matsumoto had gotten drunk and come back with a hangover (She'd been hogging the couch all day), but now the damned Kusajishi brat was here too. He groaned. Better get it over with.

"Just ask the stupid question already. I'm busy."

"How come Byakushi-"At this, Hitsugaya smirked- "wears hair curlers?"

_What a pointless question. But if it gets her to shut up...whatever. Hopefully she'll go away after this…_"It's a thing people like him wear."

Yachiru looked at him for a moment, then went silent. _Finally!! Leave, brat, leave!! You got your answer, now leave!!_ But Yachiru did no such thing. Instead, she looked up at Hitsugaya again and gave her words of enlightenment.

"So all girly men wear hair curlers?"

* * *

Ta-da! So, zis eez ze end of chapter one. 


	2. Uncle Patrick

Disclaimer - Ya read it last time, but I don't own Bleach. That's why it doesn't suck.

A/N - Yes, I changed the first chapter a bit - after I looked this over a 2nd time after posting it, I realized it really sucked. And Hitsugaya's a _bit_ OOC here...Yeah, just a _bit_...Forgive the weird chapter name; it'll make sense later.

Aargh, I get bored, post up a freewrite, and in two hours discover it really sucks. So I take the thing, edit it, and post it up again the next day. Expect that pattern for the rest of this, too. It's what I do when I'm bored and don't got a pencil, paintbrush, crayon, or anything to draw with. Either that, or I'm supposed to be lookin' like I'm doing work. And I appear to. _Appear to_.

And now for...

**Ch. 2 - Uncle Patrick**

"So all girly men wear hair curlers? Cuz Ken-chan says Byakushi's a prissy girl. Except he calls him Kuchi...whatsit-hime!!"

Far away, Byakuya sneezed.

Not so far away, Hitsugaya coughed. He'd anticipated hundreds, thousands of ridiculous responses before he assured himself that she'd shut up for good, but he hadn't expected that. It was more ridiculous and true than anything he'd considered she'd say - and thus his composure cracked. For some reason, Hitsugaya found this not-as-funny-as-he-made-it-sound remark _very very _funny. Maybe his life was so drab that the least funny remark could crack him up. Maybe because Yachiru said it. Maybe he just had a bad sense of humor. In any case, he almost fell out of his chair laughing. Almost - he opted for the only_ slightly_ more dignified option of smacking his forehead to his desk and cackling into it. After a few moments of this, the (once) cool-as-a-cucumber captain of 10-bantai collapsed over his desk and slid out of his chair to the ground heaving with laughter.

"Oh...my..." Tears were forming at the corners of his eyes, his whole face was red, he was choking for breath - this was a moment for Matsumoto to savor (she'd sobered immediately after the first "ha.") Then, unable to hold himself back, he lapsed into an all-out kiddy-laugh, rolling around in the small space under his desk. Now it wasn't so much at girly-man remark, which he'd overreacted to anyhow, but his momentum had built up. It had to get out. Yachiru danced atop the desk, giggling and obviously pleased with the reaction she got. "Holy...shit..." Although his speech was..rather incomprehensible, his thoughts were of a different matter. _Aargh!! Stupid Kusajishi!! I will _kill _her...And I can't stop now...If someone came in at this moment...Well, there goes my reputation..._

Of course, everybody knows irony prevails over all in such situations, so at that moment an officer arrived at the door. "Taichou! This is Kimura Yukie, 10-bantai 9th seat reporting in with seven new recruits! I sent a hell butterfly to contact you, but when you didn't respond, I decided to come myself! I now ask permission to enter and...er..?" Kimura fell silent, listening to what sounded like her taichou cackling like a maniac and Kusajishi-fukutaichou giggling madly along. "Taichou...?" she murmured.

"Come in, Yuki-chan, taichou and Yachiru-chan are just having some fun..." Matsumoto was watching what little she could see of her captain with a mildly (in other words, _very _)interested look and a delighted smirk. Kimura blinked at the bizarre sight.

_This can't be right_, she thought. She was caught completely off guard at the scene. Add a mad laugh from the direction of Hitsugaya's desk, and she was totally shocked. Then there was Yachiru, bouncing on the desk, giggling. Ah...No matter how hard ya try, you can't expect the unexpected. Maybe that's why it's the _un_expected.

Hmm, that must've been _some _first impression of their captain for those seven newbies...

Under his desk, Hitsugaya heard the door slide open, and the silence that ensued. _Shit...Must-stop-laughing... _He choked, gagged, gasped, and when he semi-calmed down, tried to get up. Too bad he was under his desk. _Clunk._ "Yeowch!" After several seconds of frantic scrambling, Hitsugaya emerged from his desk, covered in dust and giving a disheveled, messy sort of appearance. He was also rubbing a sore spot on his head.

"Er...Men, Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro..." came Kimura's voice. There were snickers and whispers among the seven. "Quiet! This is the captain!" A snort.

_Ugh. I've really made a fool of myself. This'll be all over Seireitei by the time...Damn Kusajishi to hell!_ Hitsugaya cursed her profusely in his mind as he took a few seconds to brush the dust off himself and try his best to look neat. It annoyed him that everyone was watching, silently, thinking he didn't know while he was fully aware of ten pairs of eyes on him. Silently, of course, you had to respect the captain to _some _degree. And it would've been an Einstein moment had it not been for Yachiru's continuous giggling. He coughed and looked up. "Erm...So you're the newbies..? Yeah, I'm Hitsugaya. Taichou," he added hastily. "Sorry, I'll see you guys tomorrow, I... just don't feel up to it, got that? Kimura, show them around, the introductions are over." A pause."You know what, forget it. You can have the day off. Matsumoto, go."

"Aww...but-"

"Just _go_ already!" The temperature was dropping at an alarming rate.

"Yes _sir_." Matsumoto whisked out of the room faster than the Roadrunner ran from the Coyote. "Sheez, touchy, touchy." Hitsugaya slammed the door after her, furious.

"You're _mean_, Shiro-chan."

"I'll take that as a compliment. Leave, Kusajishi."

"How come yer hair sticks up like that? An' how come it's white like an old guy's?"

"How is that important to anything? Besides, it's none of your business. Leave." There was silence as Yachiru tried her puppy-dog charm. A sigh. "You know what, I'll tell you later. Er... here." Yachiru pouted, but seeing that she wasn't going to get an answer at this rate, she took the candy he offered her (he never thought he'd have a good use for Ukitake's gifts) and flounced off. Hitsugaya sighed in relief. "Gone. Finally." He congratulated himself; then did it again for getting rid of Matsumoto _and_ scaring her.

(A/N - that squiggle'll serve as a page break until I figure out how it works. It would help if ya told me how, also, but whatever.)

Fast forward to the end of the day, say, 8 pm.

Hitsugaya smiled and patted himself on the back (do people actually do that? It'd look pretty weird.) He'd gotten the week's paperwork done in a day - he had the rest of the week to attend to everything else. And maybe have some free time...that is, if Matsumoto did _her _share of paperwork. Very likely. In any case, it made up for the Yachiru incident like hell. Calling up a random shinigami to carry the last stack to Yamamoto-sama (he hoped the girl was from his division, he could be screwed if she wasn't), he prepared to leave. He cleaned up the office and headed home, oblivious to the return of the little nuisance trailing him. I quote Hitsugaya, "You know what, I'll tell you later."

Soon, the youngest captain in the Gotei 13 tramped into his little house; apartment; he didn't know what to call it. It wasn't fancy, he didn't bother getting a souped-up place with all the works. Instead, he lived in a serviceable, simple little place on the outskirts of Seireitei. He tromped into his room and threw himself onto his bed. _Ahh...Soft...I wonder what's for eats? _He got up. His captain's coat crumpled to the floor along with his top and he stretched his arms. Living alone had its perks. He could walk around the place naked if he wanted - not that he wanted to. Then he peeled off his socks and went to the kitchen for something to eat. Hmm...a watermelon! Just as he was going to cut it open, he heard a giggle from his bathroom. Hitsugaya froze. _Oh please, don't let it be..._ He shun-po-ed straight to the source of the giggling, and found...

"Heya Shiro-chan!" Yachiru grinned. "Why didn'cha just _tell_ me ya used hair gel? Then I wouldn' hafta come 'ere and see fer myself! Hmm...but then I wouldn't get ta try the stuff, either...I guess t'at makes up fer it... Yep!"

"Oh...my...god..." Apparently, Renji had set a trend with the Nemo cosplay - Hitsugaya had the same expression. With reason to wear it - Yachiru's pink hair was stuck straight up, fashioned after Hitsugaya's own hairstyle. Although Yachiru's hair was longer (in proportion to her head, anyhow), and Hitsugaya didn't use a _quarter _ of what Yachiru had. There was gel, shiny and wet, spread visibly all over her scalp, along with some smeared on her face. Not to mention a thick layer of the goo on her hands, shirt, and pants, and a good-sized glob on the floor. Taking into account her hair color, and that the hair was stuck 8 inches into the air, and that she was covered with slime (or at least it appeared to be), she looked something like a banshee, a pixie, and Frankenstein put together. With a grin big enough to crack its - I mean her - face.

"Aw, foo. It's out." Yachiru pouted. She frowned at the green bottle she was shaking. It was labeled, "Uncle Patrick's Super Ultra Gravity-Defying Hair Gel."

A/N - So? Love it? Hate it? Review please!!


	3. Spiketop, Moptop, Notop

A/N - I know this is really lousy, but, hey, I was bored. And FYI, this is set before Bleach started. Seein' that the story in itself is Bleach, that doesn't make sense, but, whatever. Like, set before Ichigo met Rukia. Say, a 3 years before. Okay, that's it. Oh yeah, and this chapter (and the next, most likely) stars Hitsugaya. See how he does without Uncle Patrick.

**Chapter 3 - Spike-top, Mop-top, No-top  
**

"I do believe this belongs to you." Hitsugaya held a grinning, slimy Yachiru by the back of her collar; offering her to Kenpachi. He was glad to be rid of the nuisance. Upon finding her in his house, he'd thrown on a jacket and headed out, brat in tow, to find Zaraki. And he did - although not where he'd have liked to. Here he was, in the middle of a _bar_, which he was too young to be in, he noted, handing her over to her "father." The stupid man was probably drunk, but she was _his _problem, not --

"Yeah, yeah, take her somewhere else. Err...she sleeps in the division...whatsit-called, the place they have for her..Yep, that's it, the whatsit...Just don' try nothin' funny," said Zaraki, taking another swing of his sake bottle. "Kids these days..." And he let loose with an ear-shattering belch in Hitsugaya's face. Yachiru responded with a smaller one. _Braa---------p._

_Disgusting, _he thought, stalking toward the exit. _Stupid Neanderthal, no wonder Kusajishi turned out wrong. How can a buffoon like Zaraki..._

"Taichou! What are _you _doing here?" asked a feminine voice. Hitsugaya felt something press up against the back of his head. No, more like some_things_...what were they? He leaned his head back into them. They were soft and comfortable and warm and squishy and...Wait...

"MATSUMOTO!!!" He backpedaled, stumbled, and landed _plop! _ on his butt. Yachiru took this opportunity to wriggle free of his grip and grab a sake bottle.

"Oh, you brought Yachiru-chan, too! Taichou, did you stay with her the _whole _day, you naughty little boy? She's still to _young _to be dating, don't you know that? You gotta wait till she's older and all _sexy, _you know what I mean? And _then _you could-"

"Matsumoto, that is _disgusting_. I don't want to know, all I want to do now is stick that _brat _in bed-"

"Are you going with her?" Matsumoto had a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Hitsugaya twitched and made a face.

"What do you think? Of course not, woman. If you don't mind, I am _out _of here, once I find that-"

"Shiro-chan! Lookit what I found!" Yachiru jumped on his back and held a sake bottle in his face. She dropped it. It splattered sake all over the front of his uniform, and everywhere on the ground. "Whoopsies. Sorry Shiro-chan for that and that, yeah, I can't play with ya t'night, cuz Ken-chan says I gotta go sleep riiiiight now. See ya!" And she disappeared.

Hitsugaya sighed. _Gone at last. _"Yeah, great, you brat," he muttered.

A giggle - Matsumoto's, this time. "Taichou, what did she mean by _play with you?_"

* * *

Emi looked around at her new division and turned to her friend. 

"Who's our new captain again?"

"I told you, like a billion times. Hitsugaya-taichou. You know, I heard he's a genius and made captain five years after entering the Gotei 13."

"Really? Dang, my brother's been here for five years and he's ain't anywhere _near _captain. Huh. Some people get all the luck."

"Luck, shmuck. It's 'cause Hitsugaya-taichou's _good._ And I heard he's really young, too."

"Good? Hey, d'you know what he looks like?"

"Eew, Emi, are you going to ask him out?"

"No, I've just never seen him, stupid!"

"Oh. Sorry. Well, I've heard he's really sort of short, but tall for his age, and he's got white hair. Stuck up like it defies gravity or something."

"You girls talkin' about the captain? You're new, right?" The girls whirled around and squeaked. There behind them was...

"Fukutaichou!" They bowed. "Yes, we are new here. We just entered the Gotei 13 last month, and recently transferred from 3-bantai."

"O-kay." _Some people are too uptight, _Matsumoto thought. "Well, if you wanna see what taichou looks like, he's over there. He's the short one with the mop-top." Exit Matsumoto. Emi and her friend looked to where Matsumoto pointed - and sure enough Hitsugaya was there, talking to some random officer. And like Matsumoto said, with the mop-top. Oh, without Uncle Patrick to keep them up, Hitsugaya's white locks flopped into his face like old banana peels (sorry, that's what I imagined. I think in pictures.)

"..."

Emi glanced at her friend. "I thought you said he had _spiky _hair, Akiko." Akiko 'harumph'-ed.

"It's just a bit of trivia I messed up with, why does it matter?"

"This guy's got floppy hair just like Ichimaru-taichou, Akiko. Where'd _spiky_ come from?"

"Whatever. Hey, isn't that Kusajishi-fukutaichou?" Yes, there was Yachiru, perched on the fence next to Hitsugaya like a hawk.

"Hey, Shiro-chan, what happened to yer hair? It's all floppy-ish and gits in yer face. Like foxface." (Exit foil characters here, like Emi, Akiko, and the random shinigami conversing with mop-top. They all leave here due to plot hole.)

"Shut up. If you hadn't been playing with my...stuff, it wouldn't be like this. Leave me alone."

"Shiro-chan, you should get a new hairstyle. You look like a punk or something. Hey, you should get a mohawk! Or maybe an afro!"

"Kusajishi, if punk is some new term from the human world, well...Don't use it. I don't keep up with their 'popular culture'."

"Are you grumpy 'cause you miss Uncle Patrick?"

"..."

* * *

Hitsugaya locked his door. Then he padlocked his windows. Then, he padlocked and chained his bathroom door, kitchen cabinets (he was just sort of running on paranoia), reading chair, bookshelf, and lastly, bedroom door. He then went to bed, confident that no pink-haired brats could intrude on his territory. Oh how wrong he could be...

* * *

"Ugh..." 

The sun streamed into his face. He sat up in his bed and yawned. There was another bright day ahead...bright. Sure. Instinctively he reached up to brush back his morning bed-head mop - except...there was to mop to brush back.

"Hmm?" Hitsugaya ran his hand over his head, feeling his smooth, hairless scalp. "How the hell...?" Then, as he realized that he was completely bald (minds tend to work rather slowly first thing in the morning, ya know?)...

"WHAT THE HELL?!" And now a _very _familiar giggle came from the corner of his room. _You've _got _to be kidding, _he thought. _How did she...?_

"Like yer new hairstyle, Shiro-chan? I thought ya needed one, so I gave ya one. So ya like it or not?" Yachiru emerged from the corner; his captain's coat draped over her like a blanket. She had _that _smile on her face.

"How did you get..."

"In? Well, ya locked all the windows and doors and all, so I kicked down the wall. Easy. D'ya know where the keys are? Cuz I really gotta go pee right now..."

"_You kicked the wall down?!?!_"

"Well, sorta, there's just a big hole in it. Shiro-chan, I really _really _gotta pee..." Hitsugaya leaped out of his bed, kicked down his door (He'd locked it, remember? Yachiru'd gotten in via kick-hole-thru-wall. He didn't notice the hole.), and ran into the main room of his house.

"Shit..." There was a 6x6 square foot hole in the wall on the left, and debris was strewn all over the floor. There was also a raccoon digging into his food. _What did I do to deserve this...?_

Yachiru danced behind him, calling his name. "Shiro-chan, Shiro-chan, I _reeeeeeeeeeeeeally _need ta pee! I'm gonna piss on the floor if ya don't unlock it!! An' I won't kick it over cuz toilet stuff's s'posed to be private!! Ken-chan says so! Shiro-chaaaaaaaaan, Shiro-chaaaaaaaaan!!! I needa peeeeeeeeeee!!!" Hearing this, he numbly walked to his bedroom (he still hadn't gotten over the shock.) Plucking a set of keys from under his bed, ("Oh, I didn't think ta check there," said Yachiru,) he unlocked the bathroom door. He ushered Yachiru in and was about to close the door when he caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"Double shit..." He'd forgotten that _someone _(coughcoughYachirucough) had shaved his head. His new hairstyle ('What hairstyle,' I'd say.Wait, I just did.) was shiny and round, reminiscent of Ikkaku. He moved in to get a better view of himself. The light glinted off his Ikakku-ish head. _Gods..._

His head whipped around to face Yachiru. "Kusajishi, you are _dead._"

"Shiro-chan, can you move? I needa pee."

* * *

A/N - I don't know about this one; I think it could be better...I think. Reviews are mandatory; however, following that command is not. It'd be nice if you did, though. And say more than, haha it's funny. I get bored of that. But, what you do is your business, not mine. So all I can do is hope... 

Next time: See Hitsugaya in a wig!


	4. Hot Mama

A/N - Well, first I'd like to say thanks to all the people who read this and enjoyed. Then, I'd like to say that this will probably not turn out the way you expected. It's a very weird chapter. Cuz I wrote this on a whim. It's crack-ish.

Disclaimer - Bleach doesn't belong to me, which means none of the characters here do, either. Not even Jodie, 'cause Kubo-sensei drew her first. Oh, well.

**Chapter 4 - Hot Mama**

"Ne, taichou, nice hat. Why're you so late today?" Matsumoto looked at her captain. He was wearing a moth-eaten old pink beret, with fake-looking white hair sticking out from under it. Did I mention the beret was half-covered with sequins (they'd fallen off over the years) and had the words, "_Hot Mama_" printed on it in fancy red lettering? Matsumoto smirked.

"Shut up, Matsumoto." He wished he'd had a different hat - but no, Yachiru just _had _to go fetch _this _particular hat for him from who-knows-where. And he didn't have any in his house. He grumbled something to himself about brats and razors, and handed Matsumoto her paperwork. He now wished he hadn't done the week's paperwork yesterday, because that would've given him an excuse to not go outside and watch his division train. _I'll look like a fool out there, _he thought. Then a brilliant idea hit him. "Matsumoto, I'll do all your paperwork if you go outside and do the rest of my duties." She shot up from the couch and stared at him.

"Who are you and what have you done to my captain?"

"I _am _your captain, Matsumoto! And don't say anything about the hat." She stared a moment.

"Really?" He nodded. "Okay, this week's paperwork's in your desk! And here's last month's!" She pulled out a 2-foot stack from under the couch. Then she flipped open a trapdoor in the floor (_When did that get there? _Hitsugaya wondered.) and heaved out about two weeks' worth of paperwork. "Okay, Hot Ma- er, _taichou_, you can do all that! Bye!"

There was silence as Hitsugaya goggled at the impossibly huge stacks of paperwork. "MATSUMOTO!!"

"Yeah?"

"_You're _doing all this, not me! I'll just do _my _duties and you'll do yours! Got that?"

Matsumoto's voice assumed a dull tone. "Huh. You love torturing me, don't you?" Hitsugaya was going to retort when he heard a giggle. _How does this always happen?_

"Ne, Shiro-chan, I got a better hat for you! Ya know what, I got _two!_" Hitsugaya groaned. _Why oh why? How does she find me __**e**__-very __**sin**__-gle time?_

Yachiru grinned and held up a fluffy green winter hat (you know, the ones with the earflaps?) covered with brownish flowers (shudder) and a straw hat, like a farmer would wear. Except this one was better quality than most farmers would have, and it was decorated with a pink flower on top. Wait, where have we seen that before...?

* * *

"Taichou! Stop worrying about your hat and get to work!"

"But Nanao-chan, my hat makes me look _cool!! _ The ladies would despair if I didn't have my hat! No!! I MUST find her!!"

"Taichou! It was your fault you lost it in the first place!"

"Nanao-chan, somebody _stole _it!" He paused. "Nanao-chan, do you smell that?" Kyouraku sniffed the air, his nose going higher in the air with each sniff.

"Smell what?"

"I smell...MY HAT!! SHE'S IN 10-BANTAI!!!"

"What the--?" Kyouraku took this opportunity to nab Nanao and shun-po them to Hitsugaya's window. It was closed. He sniffed it.

"She's _definitely _in there, Nanao-chan," he whispered. "We must rescue my poor hat from her evil abductors and bring them to _justice._" He punched his fist into his palm.

"Taichou, now you sound like Tousen-taichou. Can't you just get a new ha-" Kyouraku gasped at the mere thought of getting a new hat.

"Nanao-chan, do you think I could simply _abandon _Jodie like that and leave her to die? Do you take me for that kind of man? NO! I am faithful! I will fight for her! JODIEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" And he blasted away Hitsugaya's office with the strongest kido spell he knew for the job.

"What the...?" Nanao looked at Hitsugaya (or at least it appeared to be Hitsugaya) with his "Hot Mama" beret, with "Jody" in his hand. It took a moment for her to regain her composure. "Hitsugaya-taichou, could you please hand over the hat? Taichou has been...er..."

"JODIE! ARE YOU OKAY, BABY? DID HE DO ANYTHING BAD TO YOU?" Kyouraku snatched his hat out of Hitsugaya's hands and shook it the way someone grabs you by the shoulders and asks if you're okay. He pressed an ear to it as if he were listening to a seashell and gasped. "He didn't..."

* * *

Hitsugaya observed the wreck of his office. It was blasted comletely apart by one of the strongest lightning-type kido he'd ever seen. Yachiru was still standing in front of him with a huge smile on her face, albeit burned black and covered with ashes. He looked at Kyouraku moaning to some person called Jodie and Nanao with an embarrassed look on her face behind him. Then there was Matsumoto wailing over the loss of her couch. _How much worse can this day get? _Plop. The Hot Mama hat and white wig fell to the ground, revealing his shiny bald head.

"YOU!!" Kyouraku roared, jabbing a finger at Hitsugaya, ignoring his lack of hair. Hitsugaya felt a twinge of annoyance as he noticed that Kyouraku's finger had more hair than his head.

"What?" Hitsugaya asked testily.

"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!! I KNOW WHAT'S BEHIND THOSE INNOCENT EYES OF YOURS!!"

"Taichou-"

"STAY OUT OF THIS NANAO-CHAN!! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS BETWEEN ME-" He put a hand on his chest. "AND THAT MAN!!" His finger once again shot at Hitsugaya as he started his rant. "YOU RAPED JODIE!!! I ACCUSE YOU, HITSUGAYA TOSHIROU, OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT-" he paused here to make the next part louder- "OF MY HAT!!!"

"Eh?"

"YOU WILL _PAY _FOR THIS!! I WILL AVENGE JODIE!! DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE HITSUGAYA TOSHI-"

"Shunsui, what are you doing?" Ukitake was standing in the doorway (or what remained of the doorway), looking at them with a strange expression on his face (he chose to ignore Hitsugaya's new 'do). Several of Hitsugaya's subordinates hovered behind him and the debris of the office, staring at their captain's new haircut. Or whatever you call a bald head.

"JU-CHAN!! HELP ME! HITSUGAYA HAS COMMITTED A HEINOUS CRIME...HE HAS VIOLATED MY RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN OF SEIREITEI!!! JU-CHAN! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"

"Sheesh, don't you think you're taking it a little too far? What could Hitsugaya-kun possibly have done?" Ukitake looked slightly exasperated at his friend's ridiculous behavior.

"Sexual harrassment!" piped up Yachiru. "On Jodie!"

"Sexual- Oh my god." Ukitake buried his head in his hands. "Jodie..? Not that ridiculous thing again!"

"NO!! JU-CHAN, HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME AS WELL?"

"Abandoned? What's that supposed to mean?"

"NOOO!! JU-CHAN, HE'S BRAINWASHED YOU!!!"

"What the hell?"

"Shiro-chan, you brainwashed Uki-chan? Cuz he usually doesn't say stuff like 'hell.' Ya know?"

"Aargh!" Hitsugaya decided to take charge and grabbed "Jodie." Once he got his hands on it, I mean, her, he blasted it apart with some random kido technique. Hoo boy. Did I call Jodie an 'it' again? Oops.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! JODIEEEEEEE!!!!"

"Good job, Hitsugaya-kun! Now maybe Shunsui won't obsess over...erm..."

"I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU JODIE, BUT I NEED A HAT!" Kyouraku bowed to the pile of ashes that was Jodie. "NANAO-CHAN, WE SHALL EMBARK ON A QUEST! WE WILL FIND THE HOLY GRAIL! KING ARTHUR'S WHATSIT! THE PERFECT HAT FOR ME! COCOLIME'S MISSING JAY CHOU CD!! (Oh, how I wish they could...)"

"Taichou..." Nanao knew her captain to do a host of strange things, but this was by far the weirdest. "Jay Chou...?"

"NANAO-CHAN! WHAT IS THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS?!?!" Kyoraku snatched the pink object from her hands. "This...this is perfect..." He plopped it on his head. "NANAO-CHAN! YOU HAVE FOUND MY PERFECT HAT! THANK YOU, NANAO-CHAAAAAN!!! AS A REWARD, I SHALL LET YOU HAVE A KISS OF-"

_Thwack. _Nanao hit him on the head with her book. To add to this effect, Yachiru took this opportunity to jab him in the balls with her zanpaku-to's scabbard.

"YEOWWWW!! OH, MY ACHING GROIN!!"

Ukitake and Hitsugaya gave a simultaneous groan.

"Idiot."

* * *

A/N- Guess what Kyouraku's perfect hat is. It's pink, old, and used to be sparkly. Enough for you? I don't know.

Hmm...I don't know about this chapter, it's a bit...you know. I'll host a funeral for Jodie - feel honored, Jodie; Uncle Patrick didn't have one. Boy, I'm sure coming up with a lot of ridiculous names. Whaddaya think of Frugenshtwinkenheimer?


	5. Fashion Trends

EEEARRGH!! I read my first lemon. It scared me. I had a whole rant about it in my profile that involved a _lot _of swearwords, but it's gone now, thankfully. Be glad.

Aw, I'm stuck on Avril Lavigne. Heard her song Innocence? I _love _that one. I never get tired of it...And My Happy Ending. Heh...

Disclaimer - I ain't Kubo-sensei. Doh. Kubo Pickle...ha. LOL.

And here it is, chapter 5. Or at least I think it's the 5th...I can't even keep count of my own stories.

**Ch. 5 - Fashion Trends**

Nanao stared. Never in her life - er, death? - had she seen anything so ridiculous. And she'd been the king of ridiculous's lieutenant for a long time.

"OH MY ACHING GROIN!!" Kyouraku squawked at Nanao, running around back and forth with his arms in the air. Atop his head rested an old, pink, sequined beret that read, _Hot Mama. _His cheap, pink, flowery picnic blanket (or so I call it) fluttered in the air, adding to the effect. He'd also tied the green, ear-flapped, ugly-brown-flowered winter hat around his ankle, thinking it looked cool. And just now he was tying a piece of upholstery around his head, apparently haven gotten over the pain of his "aching groin".

"NANAO-CHAN! DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HEADBAND?!" She flinched.

"Y-yeah..." (Insert sweatdrop here.) Kyouraku bustled around the room, or what was left of it, searching for more "fashion accessories".

"Ooh!" He stuck a shred of floorboard into his "headband".

"Ah!" He found an old, discarded stud earring and stuck it through his - unpierced - ear. "YEOW!" But he continued on his quest.

"Oh _wonderful!" _He picked up Matsumoto's flowery, pink bra. _What kind of stuff does she leave around here? _thought Hitsugaya, horrified. Kyouraku tied the bra around his butt (if you can imagine him with a cup Matsumoto's size on each, um, _gluteus maximus _muscle...) and danced around in celebration. Yachiru giggled.

"You look funny, Pinky-chan." This set Kyouraku into another rant.

"OH YACHIRU! OH, BLESSED ARE THE YOUTH OF THE DAY; YOU HAVE RECOGNIZED MY WONDERFUL FASHION SENSE! OH, GIRL!" He performed a sloppy bow wherein his back was so bent it almost touched his knees, and his butt stuck in the air. Hitsugaya, Ukitake, and Nanao could only stare. Hitsugaya's subordinates had long been gone; having run away out of fear.

"Shun- Shunsui..."

"OH, JU-CHAN! I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE! TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!" Kyouraku stuck his butt half a foot from his friend's face, making sure he couldn't miss the (gigantic) bra that emphasized the form of his...ass. To further stress his point, Kyouraku wiggled his butt around. _Bong bong bong._

Ukitake closed his eyes. "Eew..."

"Ha, you look funny, Pinky-chan!"

"Will you all get OUT OF MY OFFICE!?!?"

"What office? Pinky-chan blasted it all away!"

"Taichou! We need to go!"

"YES, MY DEAR SWEET NANAO-CHAN! WE SHALL GO--" Ah, it's Ukitake to the rescue again! He tapped Kyouraku on the forehead, knocking him unconscious. The same treatment was applied to Nanao. Then, plucking some random artifacts out of Kyouraku's clothes, he pitched them over the fence, like two giant baseballs, right on target to 8-bantai. A faint, "Oof! could be heard as Kyouraku gained consciousness midair (that was fast, wasn't it? But he's a captain, ya know...) and landed. Ukitake clapped his hands together.

"Well, that takes care of things, doesn't it? Sorry about Shunsui, Hitsugaya-kun; he's just that way sometimes."

"No, it's okay. I'm fine. Just once I get this place cleaned up..."

"No, I insist! Please, accept my apology! Just wait for me to get it!"

"Eh?" Ukitake dashed away, then returned a second later with a monstrous bag of Easter candy in his arms.

It was August.

"Here you go, Hitsugaya-kun! I hope you enjoy!" With that, he plopped the bag into Hitsugaya's arms and disappeared. Hitsugaya just stood there, stupefied.

"E-enjoy?"

"Ne, Shiro-chan, can I have it if you don't want it? Oh, sorry, now everyone can see your shiny, shiny, shiny, shiny, shiny, shiny, shiny head. Don't worry, though, I got somethin' else just in case." She pulled out a brown paper bag perfectly fit for his head, with holes cut in for his eyes and mouth. "Ta-da!!" She jumped on his shoulders and crammed it on. "Ne, d'ya like it? Boobies, whaddaya think of Shiro-chan's hat?" No response. "Boobies?"

"Oh, my couch..." Matsumoto wailed in the corner, mourning over her decimated sofa. "Where will I hide my paperwork...? Oh, yeah, what, Yachi-" She caught sight of Hitsugaya with the bag on his head. "Whoa...taichou, like the new look!" She gave a merciless laugh.

"Matsumoto..." He ripped off the bag.

"Hello, Hitsugaya-kun!"

"Not you again..." Ukitake appeared once again, something white in his hand. "I saw you were bald like Madarame-san-" Hitsugaya twitched with annoyance at the comparison- "so I decided to get you a wig!" He gave a brilliant, shiny white smile. "Ta-da!" He held out a white wig, seemingly made from his own hair. It was several inches shorter than it was before, so Hitsugaya assumed it was. It was also styled after Ukitake's hair. Hitsugaya shuddered at the thought of walking around Seireitei looking like a miniature Ukitake.

"Er...I thank you for the gift, but..." Suddenly, the man's eyes dawned over with understanding. Or at least what was understanding in his mind.

"Ah, I see! I'm sorry you don't want it, I didn't know!" Ukitake, being the experienced captain he was, always could read facial expressions quite well. But he wasn't always quite so accurate...He returned several minutes later with a bag over _his _head, just like Hitsugaya's. "Ta-daaaa!!!"

"Eh?" Hitsugaya eyed his fellow captain. "Ukitake, why are you..." The shadowed eyes under the bag lit up.

"I haven't actually paid any attention to fashion trends over the years...But I decided to catch up with them today!" He whipped off the paper bag. Hitsugaya squinted his eyes to see through the glare that reflected off..."Ta-daaa!! Just like yours, Shiro-chan!" Hitsugaya didn't even take notice of the pet nickname. He just gawked at the older captain's ridiculous hairstyle...or ridiculous _lack _of hairstyle.

"Ukitake..."

"Yes?"

"Shaved heads...are _not _in fashion." There was silence for several seconds as Ukitake processed what he'd just heard.

"They're...not?"

* * *

A/N - Heh heh...Now BOTH Shiro-chans are bald!! Spread the Shiro love! 

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ahem.

Oh, and I've had several people telling me my writing style needs more detail. Sorry about that, I...don't really do writing that well. I leave too much for the imagination to fill in, don't I? But that's the way I think...Give me three words and I can come up with a whole plot line for something. Writing it down is the hard part for me...But I try. D

Till next time,

Pickle-san


	6. Koi Ponds!

I'm BACK! PICKLE-SAN HAS RETURNED!!!!

Yay! I'm so happy (as opposed to my previously clinically-depressed state) I could... Whatever. I can write again without all the guilt nagging at me!! Yeaaa-- hoooo!!!

If you're wondering what the hell this is about, I posted up a flame for something, my "mental momentum" - as my lit. teacher calls it - built up, and I put up waaaaaay more than I meant to. And ranted about it on other places than a review, as well.

But I'm back! PICKLE-SAN is BACK!!

Ahem... the story. This'll end soon, cuz I've got another funny/stupid/weird idea running in my head.

Disclaimer - Kubo-sensei gets all the credit. I can't draw like that. Yet.

* * *

**Ch. 6 - Straying off the Plot Line... Koi Ponds!**

Yachiru bounced through Seireitei, looking for more havoc to wreak upon her poor little shinigami officers. So far, she'd gotten both Shiro-chan's bald, Kyouraku a new hat, and Byakushi's hair into pretty pink. Or at least she took credit for those.

"Whadda I do now?" She didn't know what to do now. She was bored. Then, inspiration struck like thunder. With a squeal of, "BYA-KUNNNN!!!" she leapt up off the roof she sat on and bounded toward the Kuchiki mansion. Once there, she leaped straight over the front gate guards and flipped into a koi pond. And thus inspiration targeted her again, and she decided it was a good day to go fishing.

* * *

"Nii-sama, Ichimaru-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou are at the door and..." Rukia's eyes meandered over the floor, shifting away from her brother's gaze. He gave a lofty lift of an eyebrow and spoke. 

"Ichimaru? Let him in. Rukia, next time, don't do the servants' work. It is, after all, servant work." He gave a disapproving look before walking off. Rukia gave a quick bow of her head and wandered off to her room. Byakuya, on the other hand, stalked off to the door, hoping foxface wasn't there for something ridiculous again - and that was most likely the case. Something ridiculous.

"What do you want?" He threw open the door. There was Ichimaru with Matsumoto.

"We-ell, Byakuya," drawled Ichimaru. "Ya know, it's been exunkt-a-ly _two_ _hun'red_ an' fi'ty years since we graduated from school, right?" Byakuya gave an inward groan. He knew _exactly _where this was leading. "So, I thought me 'n you 'n Rangiku 'n some of the other guys could get together 'n have a class reunion!" His infamous smile stretched across his face so wide every bit of enamel in his mouth was fully visible. "Well, what o' it?"

Byakuya, being the good boy he was, couldn't recline to such an innocent-sounding request. "O-okay..." At this, Matsumoto lit up like a light bulb and bounced right up to him. He couldn't help noticing she was so close he could almost feel her boobs on his own chest.

"That's _wonderful, _Byakuya-kun!" She gave a radiant smile. "I hope we can stay and party at your house; it's such a _wonderful _place to be! Can we stay? Won't you let us?" she simpered, her cheerful disposition abruptly changing to weak and poor. He considered. If he agreed, they'd mess up his house and most likely destroy part of it as well. On the other hand, if he said no, they would drag him to some bar where they would get drunk - and he didn't want to see Matsumoto drunk again. In thinking, he cocked his head to the side, his eyes absently watching Matsumoto's breasts bouncing up and down. (Ooh, Byakushi's a perrr-verrrrt!)

"I don't know..." he said slowly, running the figures through his head. How much money it would cost to rebuild the mansion versus how much of his pride it would cost him when the rumors circulated that he'd gone drinking with Matsumoto-fukutaichou... and she'd been practically naked. "I don't know..." Rangiku took this for a yes. She smiled devilishly and slung an arm around Byakuya's shoulder, making sure he was aware of her freak-of-nature mammaries pressed against the right side of his body.

"Thank you _ever so much, _Byakuya-kun!" she gushed, pushing his shoulder down and bringing her chest up so he had _them_ up against his cheek. "Can you show us around the gardens? That would be an _absolutely wonderful _place to be!" She steered him to the nearest garden, making sure to bump her hip into his every once in a while. Gin followed in silence, wistfully wishing he were in Byakuya's place - if only it weren't Ran-chan. He wouldn't dare try anything on _her_. Byakuya, however... was squirming in his skin, wishing she would leave. However, if this was Hisana... yes, even the Kuchiki ice king had a lecherous side to him.

"Matsumoto-_fukutaichou_, don'cha think Kuchiki-_sama_ can do it 'imself? I mean, he don't need your butt hitting him and your boobs in his face. Kinda slows down the walking, ya know?" Ichimaru _butt- _ed in. Ha, butts. (Bad pun, I know.)

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Matsumoto loosened her grip on Byakuya. "Hey, isn't that Yachiru-chan?" She pointed at a barely visible koi pond in the distance. At the words "Yachiru-chan", Byakuya froze. There was one equation he'd developed over the years that took precedence in his mind whenever that girl's name was mentioned - Yachiru + Me... equals Total Shit. Yes, those exact words - believe it or not, Byakuya had quite a generous vocabulary of profanity that he used extensively in his thoughts.

Off in the distance, Yachiru spotted Byakuya. "Heya, Bya-kun!" she shouted, waving. _Oh crud, _he thought. _Is that a fire? _He shunpo-ed over, followed by Matsumoto, then Gin.

"Kusajishi... what are you _doing?" _He fixed her with a cold glare. She waved and smiled.

"Gone fishin'. Wanna have lunch?" She offered a half-cooked fish to Byakuya. Then, noticing his companions, "Oh! Hiya, Boobies, Foxface!" There was no response.

"Kusajishi... where did that fish _come from?" _ She stopped mid-bite to point at the koi pond. She gave a muffled, "Pond."

Silence reigned supreme in the two or three seconds that followed.

"Mm, tasty!" This remark only proved to intensify the silence. Suddenly, out of the blue, Matsumoto and Ichimaru fell to the ground laughing and spluttering about "gone fishing" and "lunch". Byakuya watched in disdain as his fellow shinigami rolled over the ground snorting and honking like geese and pigs.

"Ran-chan... d'ya think we can eat it?" asked Gin, after half-recovering.

"Sure, why not?But, ya know, I don't think Byakuya'd like that..."

"Hmm, nope, me'n'either. But who really cares about that?" Both seemed to be unaware of Byakuya standing right behind them, his reiatsu growing, and growing, and growing, and growing...

* * *

"Aw, he kicked us out, Gin." Matsumoto kicked a pebble as if to emphasize the point. Her friend shrugged. 

"Oh, well. I'm bored. Is that Hitsu-chan an' Ukitake-taichou?" He pointed at two bald, shiny cue-ball heads that stuck out from two white coats labeled with the numbers ten and thirteen respectively. Matsumoto giggled at the memory of _how _they got that way.

"Yep."

"Why the hell're they _bald?"_

"Tell ya later."

"Why? What'd they do, shave thei-"

"AH, HE-LLLLO, MY FINE YOUNG FRIENDS OF MINE WHO ARE MY FRIENDS!!!" Kyouraku appeared in front of them, striking a pose. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY NANAO-CHAN? SHE IS MY BUNNY!! NEED BUNNY!!" Matsumoto and Gin exchanged looks of bewilderment. Then, they understood.

"He's got to be drunk," muttered Matsumoto. Which, he was.

"WHERE IS MY PUNNY? NANAO-CHAAAAN!!" And he broke into a ballad of... well...

"OH WHERE, OH WHERE HAS MY NA-NAO-CHAN GONE? OH WHERE, OH WHERE CAN SHE BEEEEEE?" he howled, horribly off-key. "OH WHERE, OH WHERE HAS MY NA-NO-CHU GONE, OH WHERE, OH HAIR CAN HE PEEEEE?" The alcohol was taking its toll on his mind, blurring his thoughts and intoxicating his brain. Luckily for Matsumoto and Gin, Kyouraku spotted Hitsugaya and Ukitake, and left to pester _them. _

They watched - and listened - to Kyouraku wailing for a moment in total silence.

"Ya think he'll ever be sober for more than a day?"

"When Aizen-taichou betrays us all and tries to take over Soul Society."

"..."

"Gin?"

"Y-yeah... Aizen-taichou...? Take over S-Soul Society? H-ha! That'll never happen... nope... never... nuh-uh... never... nope... nope... nope... nope..."

* * *

Yep. That kind of strays from the theme of the story, but I had to put it in. My creativity's kinda running low - well, actually, this is the next-to-last chapter, and I've already planned the end of this. I need Yachiru with Byakuya, and there needs to be something to set it up. In my opinion, the humor's kind of wearing off as this gets older... my opinions are often exaggerated. Or just wrong. 

Gin & Ran-chan are just there for entertainment. "Oh where, oh where has my Nanao-chan gone..."

"Ah... so, Isane-chan, your place or mine?"

AHH!! NO, Nanao and Isane are NOT lesbian!! That was pure, 100 percent crack! Crack!


	7. Switcheroo

Yo, I started this chapter a looooong time ago, and I've pretty much fallen off fanfictioning - for now - and I decided to finish and post up this last chapter. :\ Sorry for the stupidly long wait guys. And Warnin' - there's sort of a one-sided HitsuHina. Personally I'm not a fan of the pairing, but since it's so popular anyhow, a little piece of it wouldn't do any harm, hm? Just in case, tho, sorry to anyone who doesn't like it.

No I don't own nothin. Not even Verde, cuz that's on Castro Street in Mountain View. Oh, BTW, this is told from Hitsu-chan's POV.

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Switcheroo**

Hitsugaya was happy. Very, very happy. Because : One - he hadn't seen anything of Yachiru for the whole day. Two - Matsumoto was working. Three - A good chunk of 11-bantai was off celebrating something (this he knew from his fukutaichou, the mistress of Soul Society's gossip grapevine), so there wouldn't be any drunk idiots hollering for him and his underlings to pull crazy stunts. And then, THREE: Hinamori (his eyes became vacant and happy at the thought) asked him out. Yeah... He could just hear her calling his name...

_"Hitsugaya-kun!" They were in the classic field of flowers, running toward each other like every other cheesy romance novel, and then they met with a tight embrace, Hinamori hugging him so tightly he could feel every curve of her body against his... and then they fell, his lips "accidentally" landing on hers, in a soft, perfect first kiss that would lead to so many more and..._AHEM.

Well, technically, she'd invited him to come "have some fun with friends"... whatever that meant. But, if Hinamori (ah...) was involved, it couldn't be bad. Right? He stared at the ceiling and let his imagination take free rein again.

_"I now proclaim you husband and wife," an anonymous priest announced to a faceless crowd, "You may kiss the bride." Mmm...and they enveloped each other, falling in the field of flowers again. Peach flowers... Nah...a field of Hinamoris, each and every one of them clamoring to touch him, kiss him, to...  
_

"Heya Shiro-chan, didja know you're drooling onta your sleeve?" 11-bantai's fukutaichou's twinkling orbs stared at him, alive with amusement. "Thinkin' 'bout Peachy?"

"Of course not," he snapped, a wall of icy aura rising around him. "Go away." Yet his ice refused to harden her sweet melted-chocolate eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she eased out, each sugar-coated tone full of relish of what he didn't know. "Somethin' about the way ya were droolin' an' starin' at the ceilin' an' turnin' red over the cheeks an' muttering her name over, and over, and over, and over..." She giggled. "Mighta given me the wrong idea." And a full, silver laugh bubbled out of her throat.

Oh how he wanted to wrap his hands around it and strangle it to a pulp.

"Hmm, is this true, taichou?"

Matsumoto.

He clenched his fists in chagrin, practically steaming through his ears.

"Aww, my cute wittle taichou's becoming a man! Hey, didn't Hinamori-chan ask you to come with us to go shopping tonight?"

The cruel cackling of a thousand Yachiru's and Matsumoto's filled the air.

...Oh hell no.

* * *

"I'm hungry! Let's go get something to eat first!" appealed Kotetsu Kiyone to a dancing Yachiru. Hitsugaya sighed. Hinamori... he glanced at the woman next to him. Much as he... felt attractions to her, he wasn't going to live through hours of a Women's Shinigami Association fun day just to be by her side. Never in a thousand years. Not even if it meant he would have to baby-sit their president for those thousand years and wear rubber clown's noses on his ears and chin and eat pig genitalia every day and live with Ichimaru Gin. He tapped her shoulder gingerly. 

"Hinamori--"

"Hitsugaya-kun! Isn't this fun?" She squealed, then paused at the look on his face. "You're not going to leave, are you? You'd be missing out on so much fun!"

He stared at the poor glittering chestnut-brown eyes begging him to stay.

Well, maybe just this once.

...And so Hitsugaya found himself sitting next to her surrounded by women sipping bubble tea in the middle of a cafe known as Verde.

Wasn't life dandy. He eyed Nanao and Isane sharing a watermelon ice with some disgust, then turned to look at his own little angel. Licking a cone of green tea ice cream. Her pink tongue lapping in and out, each time bringing in a little bit of ice cream. He looked away. Don't think about it, don't think about it...Purple flying ponies, rainbows...

"Shiro-chan, don't you want anything?"

Aargh!

"Yachiru-chan, let's get a manicure!"

"Yeah, sure, Boobies! Hey! You could make your hair pinkish like mine and I could make mine yellowish and brownish and...uh...what's the word...BA-LONDISH!! Like yours!! Hey-- everyone should switch hairs!!" Yachiru's face beamed like a beacon.

It felt like staring the devil in the face when Yachiru turned to face him and announced loudly, "SHIRO-CHAN'S GONNA HAVE NINJA-LADY'S HAIR!!!"

* * *

Uh...there's the last installment of this story...at least, until I decide to update...I'm getting lazy about this, and my enthusiasm's going wheeew down. Sorry for how short the chapter is, especially for the incredible wait you guys had for it. But thanks for anyone who stuck with me and stay tuned! 

CL


End file.
